HCE received a lot of high-quality submissions for The Green Issue – sadly, too many to fit inside the magazine! So we offered some shortlisted writers and artists the chance to be published here on the website. Keep an eye on our social media for more great writing like this, now that The Green Issue print magazine has been released! (For more information or to purchase your copy, visit our shop.)
The Future of Recycling
Sam Smith
Let us start with a short story, a parable, if you will. Deborah goes to take out her recycling one fateful day, only to discover that all of her recycling bins have mysteriously vanished. In their place is a huge, fiery pit that goes deep underground, into which she is expected to put all of her unwanted items, be they unnecessary pets or expired organs. This hole has been put there by the council while she slept, and is intended to replace the current recycling system because it’s outdated and nobody’s arsed anymore. After a few months, the pit begins speaking to Debs, saying things like, “I think somebody dropped a shiny diamond ring down here by mistake”, and “Come on in, the magma’s lovely.” The toxic fumes caused by all the burning waste are making her hallucinate. Eventually, unable to resist the call of her hole, she strips down and dives in, the intense heat causing her to become vapourised instantly.
Fortunately for Debs and her precious flammable body, this was simply a dream. But it could all too easily become a reality if we don’t pull together and do something to save both Mother and Father Nature.
Everybody must act now if we intend to leave more than just a barren, lifeless husk to our great-grandchildren. It’s not enough anymore to know that you’re doing your bit; you must encourage/spy on those around you to ensure everyone is pulling their weight. Pose as a government official and get your family to take part in surveys regarding recycling. Throw a street party to see who amongst your neighbours can recycle the most, and mercilessly shame anyone who refuses (no pun intended) to take part. If you see an elderly person struggling to do their recycling, then help them by reporting them immediately to the local authorities, who will dispose of them swiftly. Any weakness needs to be eliminated or the whole system breaks down.
The government is currently testing out an incentivisation scheme whereby every street in the country is entered into a prize draw. At the end of each month, the house that’s recycled the most wins an all-inclusive trip to their local landfill. That means they get to see where their recycling goes and what happens to it (Chinese takeaway tub? Lucozade bottle? Eco-friendly sex toy?). You’ll get to experience all the sights, sounds and, of course, smells that the landfill has to offer!
Up until now, we’ve discussed the present of recycling, but what about the future? Well, experts predict that recycling will increase by 7 billion percent, but the world population will also increase by 7 billion, so no net gain. We will be able to recycle almost everything, including our own thoughts. Every household will be equipped with thought bins, which will resemble giant bicycle helmets connected to the mains. When you feel your head getting bogged down with particularly bad, impure or anti-establishment feelings, simply place the thought bin on your head and think those thoughts away! The government will even offer extra landfill visits if the thoughts you destroy are especially critical of them. And if you rat out a dissenting family member or childhood friend, then you’ll be rewarded with a lifetime pass to a landfill of your choice (offer excludes Coventry). Soon, you’ll feel the weight of nameless terror being lifted from your shoulders, and you’ll be able to hold your head up high once again!
But what about the things that still can’t be recycled, I hear you ask? Experts predict that, 50 years from now, we still won’t be able to recycle margarine tub lids for some reason, so we’ll have no choice but to load them all into rockets and fire them into the Sun. But what will we power the rockets with, I then hear you ask? The thought bins will be able to transfer all of their data directly to NASA headquarters, where just a week’s worth of griping and F-bombs will be able to power a whole fleet of rockets for a month. But who’s going to pay for the rockets, you continue to ask? Christ, give me a break from all the questions – Jesus! Look, the bottom line is, get your whinge on if you want to save the planet!
And since we’re on the subject, the paper bins are due out next Thursday. Don’t forget!
This author bio has performed an illegal operation and needs to be shut down.